I feel like there are people here who know a bit about mental health, both professionally and personally..so I'm just asking what you guys think about this situation I have. I'm sorry if I end up rambling. I'm going back into therapy this year, I'm getting a placement in a therapeutic community for personality disorders (I have bpd), it's 3 days a week and quite intense.. I did it a couple of years ago but didn't complete it, hence why I'm going back. I have my assessment for going back in 2 weeks (though I already know I got in, it's just box-ticking) and the appointment is with the lead psychotherapist who was my main therapist last time I was there. I'll call her Rachel. Well. The point is I fucking love Rachel!!! I'm obsessed. I worship the ground she walks on. I feel like she understands better than anyone. I know I have a propensity to go for matriarchal women in authority.. mother issues no doubt. But I haven't seen her in over a year and my feelings are just stronger than ever. I have photos from her FB saved on my phone even.. I know that's not appropriate! But I'm a massively intense person when I like someone. I have told her I love her so she sort of knows. But I said it in a sort of over enthusiastic childish way.. but she must know just with how I used to be around her.. flirty and shy etc. I guess it's transference. But I feel so strongly and now that I'm seeing her in 2 weeks.. I can't sleep and I'm just thinking about her all the time. I don't even know how to deal with my feelings. I want this therapy to help me. I'm lucky to be getting it.. but I worry about pushing her away or scaring her if I tell her. But how normal is it to feel like this? How do professional mental health workers deal with this situation? I don't want to tell her, then her say she can't give me therapy anymore. My feelings for her are SO STRONG. My husband knows by the way and is cool about it..
I can't speak from a professional stand point but I did learn of limerence in the past year and this might be what is happening to you. There are several articles on it, here is one I found https://www.attachmentproject.com/love/limerence/
This is a very real thing, I have/had it several times and it can be quite difficult but it does eventually fade away. Maybe if this is similar to how you feel you it can help you explain to your therapist. It's a shot in the dark and helped me once I fully came to terms with what was happening. After I accepted it, admitted it, and just kind of embraced it for what it was the fade away could start. Good luck and I hope this helps.
Pie me gently said: I can't speak from a professional stand point but I did learn of limerence in the past year and this might be what is happening to you. There are several articles on it, here is one I found https://www.attachmentproject.com/love/limerence/
This is a very real thing, I have/had it several times and it can be quite difficult but it does eventually fade away. Maybe if this is similar to how you feel you it can help you explain to your therapist. It's a shot in the dark and helped me once I fully came to terms with what was happening. After I accepted it, admitted it, and just kind of embraced it for what it was the fade away could start. Good luck and I hope this helps.
Thank you so much for replying! I will read your link. Xx
No problem at all, I hope you find the help you need. There are other articles that get more specific into different parts of limerence such as limerent objects, what sort of feelings you likely experience and mechanisms to help cope. Honestly just recognizing and talking it through helped me the most. I can't imagine how tough this particular dynamic would be for you but just know you aren't alone.
Yeah, this happens. We are trained to be your perfect companion; always there, listening and empathising. Never judging and letting you get to were you need to be. Most clients end up with attachment of some sorts be it friendship or deeper feelings.
Here is the rub. It is not reciprocated. We are doing our job, and when you have gone you are notes, kept on file for 7 years and shredded. If we do start having feelings for a client, we go straight to supervision and if we can't act appropriately then we refer the client ASAP. Don't get me wrong, I like my clients (mostly) but I am not friends with them. I can see some as 'attractive' but harbour no thoughts to a relationship.
You will be safe with your therapist as they keep themselves safe. It's so strong that you can tell them all your feelings towards them, and in fact you possibly should because otherwise you are not opening up honestly, even though you fear her breaking off the therapy. But then, if you are not fully open, are you getting the full therapy anyway? If it's affecting you that much, it might be worthwhile letting it out.
It's always your choice, and I can see the benefits to both telling and not telling her. If it's not necessary/relevant to your therapy then you don't need too, but if it's stopping you from getting the full benefit of the course, then it's up to you where you draw the line.
Outcomes for you to explore: don't tell her - everything ok anyway Don't tell her - get reduced effectiveness (is that ok?) Tell her - out in the open and she is ok with that. Tell her - She refers you.
My ONLY advise: if you are going to tell her, DON'T do it in the last 5 minutes of the session, do it at the beginning so you can work on it.
Give me a DM if you want to discuss/clarify this any more, I can also zoom if you want a real chat!
Silver_sea, thank you for your reply! I knew there was someone on here who was a therapist, I didn't remember it was you! That's very useful. For a little more context, it's not therapy in the conventional sense, it's 3 days a week, 5 and a half hours per day spent in her company for at least a year, so we spend a lot of time together, even eating lunch etc. That's how the community works.. There are other therapists there too though and other members. I used to tell the other members about how I felt. I agree with you about the fact that if I withhold my feelings then I'm not being fully open there, and the whole point of being there is getting all our feelings out about EVERYTHING. I think I might hold off being open with her about the extent of my obsession the very first moment I see her again..but this is actually something I want to ask you..can you tell when a client has these strength of feelings for you? Will she know? I know you're right that she can't feel anything back..but I can't get rid of the feeling she might, I know it's dumb!! Just when I've been really flirty before, she's gone all shy and blushing.. and we have so much in common. I think basically, I will think about telling her, but prob not first time as I said. I know you said about therapists not judging, but she's actually told me off before like when I've lost my temper with other members there, but that just makes it WORSE as I have a thing about bossy women dominating me. Ugh. I'm just drunk with desire. Someone needs to shoot me with a tranquiliser dart or something
This is an odd sort of therapy, but if they are member of the BACP or other organisations then they will follow the same set of ethics so will be ok.
FYI, we are human and not psychic. We have no idea when folks have feelings for us, let alone how strong. We also don't guess/assume as it would affect the way we do therapy. We only work within the style and use the feedback from the clients to shape the therapy.
Also being human, she might do things in a different way and embrace the friendly nature if it works, we can't control our feelings but we do know if they are going to adversely affect the therapy or cause an ethics breach. Then we (should) stop. So how she feels about you is something only she can know...and depending on her style, may tell you or may not.
Finally, telling someone off is not judgment, it's maintaining boundaries as you got angry and she just brought them back to the correct level...though personally I would not "tell off" a client, but calm them and explore the emotion (my style).
OOI, can you send me a link to the place/folks please. I am always interested in doing things in different ways.
Cheese is always a topic that can always be discussed, even as a therapist!
Hi FloraFrench, I have bpd too. What you're describing sounds like the black and white thinking we're famous for. She sounds like you're favourite person at the moment. Absolutely perfect. But you should give her a heads up. People with bpd don't really have boundaries on their feelings like neurotypicals do, which can feel great and intoxicating sometimes. But you need to remember that she probably does, and so you're not sharing the same reality. I don't know. Talk to her about it. If she's worked with people with bpd before then she'd completely understand your feelings.